6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.