4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
We’ve all been there
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.