Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar