Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I like donuts.
Twitter:
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.