Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
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“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Finished stitching this today 😇
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?