Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
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couldn’t resist
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia