I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.