Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say