Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.