Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
fly smarter, not harder
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
inventing words: clothing
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees