Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Pigeon open mic night.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.