[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
No, he would not have.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
lmao
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u