I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.