Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You Might Also Like
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?