I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy