As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My circle of trust is a meatball
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
getting groceries
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving