Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
DOOO EEEET
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.