When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby