White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
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I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
October already? What’s next? November????
Spring cleaning checklist…
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.