Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?