Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.