They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
You Might Also Like
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.