I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Ummm
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more