Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
You Might Also Like
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*