“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?