If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?