Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
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Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?