ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
No way!
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?