CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”