“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.