“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
do what now??
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.