3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
You Might Also Like
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Swedish for common sense.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.