[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Look at this
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
They got Raph!