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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*