*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..