I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.