lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Body by sandwich.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me