Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
You have been warned.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.