[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good