[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
this could fix me
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.