Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”