Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair