#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.