the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Never forget.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When your parents check you’re ok.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.