HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Somebody’s lying.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds