Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills