LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
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THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO