Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
so this horse walks into a bar
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?