I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Happy Thanksgiving
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon