You Might Also Like
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance